So, I'll step back and let her talk now.
Let
me start this off by saying that I don't want to call anyone out in this post.
I try my best to understand that not everyone has dealt with a friend revealing
their sexual assault to them, and therefore may not know how to respond
properly. However I do want to get this out there to help friends of victims
know how to help, and also to vent about some past experiences.
Last
year, I was sexually assaulted by someone I had called my friend for a very
long time. As much as that hurt, and believe me it hurt a lot, the responses I
got were more painful. Many of my friends were supportive, particularly the
ones who knew my attacker. That was a huge help. People that didn't know me as
well, on the other hand, made some fairly hurtful comments. After I made an
offhand comment about not wanting to die a virgin, I was told that I couldn't
die a virgin because I had been sexually assaulted. Thank God for that- now I
can be sure that I have experienced the joy of sex! I wasn't trying to comment
on my physical state, anyway. That's really nobody's business but mine. I was
making a point that if my friend didn't get his brakes fixed I could die
without knowing the joys of consensual sex with someone I loved.
Other
comments came from news media. The media portrayed the Steubenville rapists as
the victims, partially influencing my decision not to report my attacker to the
police. By doing so, I would be ridiculed for ruining his college scholarship
and future in the Armed Forces. He would be the victim, and I would be the aggressor.
Also, there would be a 3% chance of a conviction and a 97% chance of me
delaying my college education to testify in a trial that would end in
acquittal. I felt my reasoning was fairly solid, and my brother (a police
officer) agreed. Others haven't been so sure. My fear of prosecuting him was
interpreted by many as uncertainty over what happened- or worse, that I was
falsely accusing him. I assure you, neither of those are reasons he is not
currently in jail. Do I question my decision every day? Absolutely. I feel
selfish for protecting myself and not the other women he will be around. I feel
guilty for letting him get away. But every time I make the pros and cons list,
I decide again not to prosecute. And I don't need the judgment from people who
have never been through this. If a police officer has validated my fears about
prosecuting, you really don't have much to add. No offense.
Some
comments are left unspoken. A local radio station (rhymes with bun whoa who
point free the fax) refuses to play rap music and omits the rap portions from
popular songs. The implied reasoning is that rap music is objectionable to
listeners. I'll save that argument for another day, but it's worth noting that
immediately after playing a song with the rap portion omitted, they'll play the
song "Blurred Lines". It's fairly common knowledge that the subject
matter of that song is rape. Every time I hear that song, I am hurt and angry
that rap is more objectionable to that station than rape. I also have panic
attacks because of that song, which is *really safe* when I'm driving.
Last
but certainly not least, politicians. Mostly Republican. Not that Democrats
don't make these statements, but... I'm calling it as it is. Anyway, about a
year before my assault, Roger Rivard, a Republican from Wisconsin, made a
statement "some girls, they rape so easy". Well, thanks, Mr. Rivard.
At least I can take comfort in the fact that you're alone in your feelings....
Oh wait. Nope. There have been dozens of statements similar to this one. To paraphrase
a couple different politicians, if you know you're going to get raped you
should just sit back and enjoy it. Yeah, I tried that, with no success. So, I
guess what I'm trying to say is: if you're a politician who hasn't been raped
or sexually assaulted, stick to saying its a horrible thing that needs to stop
and then (the most important part) SHUT the FUCK UP! Yeah yeah, harsh language.
In all caps. I know. But it needed to be said.
"So,
Katie, what do I do for my friends who are going through this?"
Great
question. Here's a list:
Hugs.
In large quantities.
Ask
if they need anything.
Make
absolutely no judgments.
Listen.
Help
them make any necessary decisions, if they want.
And if all else fails, sing
Matchbox 20's "If You're Gone". Thanks, Tommy.
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