1. I think I'm pretty adorable.
2. I am in no way aggressive, so even punching bags are intimidating.
My family is pretty short, and at 5'2 I'm fairly tall for my siblings. I enjoy my short size. I liked relating to fairies in cartoon movies as a kid, I liked that it was a benefit as a dancer, and I like that it just adds to my adorableness. I also have relatively big blue eyes, which I also appreciate. They add to my curious and sweet demeanor. I like my sometimes high and childlike voice when I'm trying to be nice to customers, it really puts off a vibe that I am a shy bookworm (spoiler alert: That's exactly what I am). In other words, I have several natural attributes that, in my opinion, make me adorable. And I use these to my advantage to continue to portray myself as such.
Many TV shows and movies like to show the short girl also being aggressive and somewhat terrifying. Shakespeare probably had the original tiny-girl-who-will-also-take-you-down-and-is-tired-of-being-viewed-as-small-and-puny in the play A Midsummer Night's Dream. As Helena describes her friend/enemy Hermia, "And though she be but little, she is fierce."
I actually really enjoy this quote. I like to sometimes imagine that I am this fierce and ready to gouge someone's eyes out, if need be. But, this is not me. I am about as harmful as a butterfly. So, because of this, punching bags are my least favorite exercise. When Coach Susie (shoutout) demonstrates the punching bag and tells us to just "go at" the punching bag I feel extra tiny. Just, like... I don't get how people literally make those things actually swing, or have the confidence to actually kick one with all of their might. I don't know if it's because I'm lazy or honestly non-aggressive, but I do not approach a punching bag and think "I'm gonna take you out!" Usually I'm thinking, "Please let the next thirty seconds go by quickly."
But, I do have a trick to make myself punch harder and maybe get the bag to swing as if a gentle summer breeze has struck it. And that's to think of all the times strangers have referred to me as "little" or any childlike term.
I shouldn't be angry at this, as I said before I like being small and adorable, and I like the vibe it gives off because in ways it's exactly who I am. Also most people think I'm younger than I am. It's not uncommon for people to assume I'm under 21, or still in high school, hell my doppelganger is a Russian woman six years younger than me. But still, I hate when strangers (always men) use certain terms.
I have been called cutsie names in my life. "Paigey" and "Pigeon" and others. But, that's because they come from family members who gave me the nickname when I was little, as in young and still growing. But, recently, and acquaintance called me, "Little Paige" when I said hello to them.
I know he meant nothing of it, and it may have been a slip, but it caught me off guard. Again, yes I do shop in the "petite" section because my arms and legs are basically stubs, but in title I am not "little." I am just Paige. That name will do just fine. No need to add "small" or "tiny" or "little" or anything of the like. Just Paige (JustPaigenThru, find me on Instagram).
Thinking of being called this makes me feel more motivated to punch the punching bag. It's one of the things I can call forward and still feel real angry about that it can translate to my wimpy fists. But, this instance was not the only time I've been called something similar to this.
The very first time this came to light I was attending a concert with my boyfriend, Duffy. Before we went into the amphitheater we had security check our bags and be waved over by a metal detector. Everything was fine and dandy, I was smiling as I approached the man with the wand. Then--THEN-- this man said to me, "Alright if you'll turn around, kiddo." I forced my smile for the duration it took me to turn around and then dropped it as soon as I was facing Duffy again. I mouthed to him, "Kiddo?!?" Before returning to a pleasant look to walk past the security guard. I get that this man was older and it's not uncommon for older people to call youths "kiddo." And a lot of the people attending the concert could be called "kiddo" by this man, who was probably already annoyed by us even though we were early to arrive. But come on! I know he didn't call the guy in front of me "kiddo" and he didn't call Duffy "kiddo." And I know I look like a "kiddo" but it just really pushed my buttons.
I punch the bag harder when I think of being called "kiddo." As if I was an innocent and helpless child and not a full grown adult.
That very same night I decided I wanted to go get a second, and bigger, daiquiri because I am an adult and needed more alcohol to fight off my natural introvert tendencies that usually ruin concerts for me. If you've ever been to any type of performance you know how horrible it is to have to leave in the middle of the performance. Unless you're blessed with an aisle seat you have to scoot past people and apologize a million times for being in the way and disrupting the event. I did just this, trying my best to assert myself and shout over the music, "EXCUSE ME! PARDON ME! SO SORRY!" Well, it was tricky because their were drinks on the floor and not a lot of space between the standing people and the chairs in front of us. I may have stepped on someone's foot, I am still sorry. Anyways, as I was going through this process one of the men I walked past, who was probably drunk said, "You got this, little girl."
I punch the bag really hard when I think of this.
I didn't turn around and shout at him because I just wanted the experience of squeezing myself between these people and chairs to be over, but I did not appreciate that comment one bit. Um, excuse the fuck out of you sir. Yes, I am short, but no. No, you may not call me, "little" or "girl." I am so tired of women being referred to as girls, not matter how old or mature they are. The default is always "girl." And I especially don't like being belittled by being called "little."
I composed a list of other appropriate things to say:
- Just "You got this," no "little" or "girl" necessary.
- A simply, "Don't worry!" or "Good luck!"
- Maybe a comment to help my quiet person complex: "No, I'm sorry for not hearing your tiny, shy bird voice say 'excuse me.'"
- Or, if you really need to use a descriptive phrase, "You go, strong, independent womyn!" (You have to say womyn.)
Possibly Drunk Man, if we ever meet again and you call me "Little girl" I will probably go into Hermia mode. I may be little, but I will go fierce on your eyeballs. (It's not that big of a deal, but seriously dude, stop).
Side note: My neighbor once had a dog named "Little Girl." I am not that dog. I am Paige (HEAR ME ROAR!!)
Anyways, back on topic.
What I'm getting at is please stop calling me, and other women, these demeaning terms. If you don't know us, and don't know if it's cool or not to belittle us, then don't. If you want to call people "kiddo" please call all of us kiddo, despite gender or height. If you see a short person, clearly anxious about the experience of being in close contact with strangers, bite your tongue when you want to describe her as a "little girl." And be one of my close friends, or a family member if you want to label me as "Little Paige."
I may not take the punching bag out very well, but these words make me want to go full-psycho on the bag. I want to prove, if just to myself and maybe the people around me, that I am not a child. I am not helpless, and I don't need to be taken care of. I like being the way I am physically, but just because you may describe me as, "A short person with some youthful features" don't call me any term that alludes to a child. And don't do it to anyone else. I know this is an issue women face, especially in the media, but I wish it would just disappear. I wish I was punching the bag because I was thinking of Hermia and practicing for the day I'm in the woods with my friends and fairies are just messing with our general love vibes and I need to fight a woman to get my man. Or because I want big biceps.
Side note: One time I saw this older lady wearing a sleevless shirt and her arms were perfectly sculpted and huge. I'm not sure if she did crossfit, or boxing, or maybe did hard labor, but I took one look at her arms and thought, "I wouldn't be angry if this woman punched me right now. I'd be 100% impressed and would feel very empowered."
Again, back on topic. I am a short woman with big eyes and a shy demeanor. Don't use that as an excuse to call me something you would call a 1st grader. There are plenty of other terms you can use: Ma'am, young lady, Luna Lovegood, Paige, miss, adult womyn... whatever you choose. As long as it's nice.
Final note/side note: The only reason a stranger can call me "honey" is this nice lady who used to come into work. She had the sweetest voice, and was so pleasant to talk to and I think he kid was in a magazine because he's a genius. Anyways, whenever she called me, "honey" I would just melt. I'm pretty sure I'd let her get away with theft or murder if she just turned to me and said, "Oh, hi honey." I'd just bashfully tuck my chin into my shoulder and say, "Oh! Hush. You're too sweet!"
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